who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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