Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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