What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
