Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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