On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
