i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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