I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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