she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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