last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
