Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
where does the pee come out of this thing
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize