I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
