Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Randomize
