I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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