When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
