If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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