Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
