I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he laminated a picture of his dick.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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