I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
