The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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