just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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