True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
