When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
