My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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