worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
