I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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