i'm signing you up for texting rehab
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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