My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
