I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
