if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
