Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize