she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
