Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
