One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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