I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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