Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
