dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
