Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
