i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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