Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize