Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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