think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
