Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
