I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
BRING THE BAGELS
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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