I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
