I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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