i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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