How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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