I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
