At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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