He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
