"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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