Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
