You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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