I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
