She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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