Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just found puke in my bra..
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
