Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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