My room smells like vodka and shame
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
