I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
