I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I cut my penus on the lid.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
