im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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