I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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