I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
We were destined to go to rehab together
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
