Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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