ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
