I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
