if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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