hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
