You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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