Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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